Aamani, The Older Sister Everyone Turns To…

Before Aamani ever posted a video on TikTok or Instagram, she was already playing a familiar role. She was the older cousin younger girls felt comfortable talking to, the older sister figure people turned to because she had already been through similar family dynamics, expectations, and pressures...

When speaking to Aamani, she explained that, “I never wanted to be somebody who goes through something and doesn’t tell their younger sisters what’s to come” She listens without judgment and offers a perspective when others feel stuck. Long before she had an audience, she carried a responsibility many South Asian women quietly take on: to guide, to reassure, and to make sense of things no one openly discusses.

Becoming a mother sharpened that instinct. After the birth of her daughter, Aamani found herself reflecting more deeply on the kind of woman she wanted to be seen as, not just by others, but by her child. During maternity leave, when life slowed down enough to think, she began documenting her thoughts. At first, this was deeply personal, she explains, “how am I gonna raise her to think that she can do anything, when I'm too scared to put myself out there?” She wanted her daughter to grow up seeing a woman who questioned her inner world rather than suppressing it. “I couldn’t find anyone real, I couldn’t find anyone I could talk to, there’s such a disconnect with Pakistani women” Over time, those reflections found their way onto social media. What began as thoughts became public conversation, and the advice she had always given quietly now had an online platform, reaching Pakistani women across the UK who recognised her voice immediately.

Aamani Rehman

Aamani’s decision to create content online was not immediately supported at home. Her mother did not agree with it and did not fully understand why she felt the need to speak publicly. This reaction was not rooted in hostility, but in unfamiliarity and concern. She mentions, “If you wanna make your mum's sacrifices worth it, be the best version of yourself.” For many Pakistani parents, particularly mothers, social media represents exposure, something that can invite judgment, gossip, and misunderstanding, much like the scrutiny women already face within Pakistani communities. She explains that “go with the best version of yourself, not by her standard but by your standard…her fears, her traumas stop you, log Kya kahein gy?”. Mothers often try to shield their daughters from this, believing that privacy offers protection.

Why Pakistani Women Carry Guilt So Easily

Much of Aamani’s content centres on shame, the shame Pakistani women feel when they begin to want more space, more freedom, or a life that looks different from the one their mothers lived.

She explains that…

“Shame is what we have to work on. A lot of Pakistani women don’t know the difference between guilt and shame. We feel guilty for everything we do, but really we've not done anything, so actually we're feeling ashamed, because we feel that we're wrong for being who we are.”

From a young age, many women are taught, often without being explicitly told, that struggle is a form of loyalty. They grow up watching their mothers endure limitation, put their own desires aside, and prioritise family above everything else, “our mums sacrifices are not for us be on par with her, but a lot of us feel guilty if we surpass her in certain things.” Over time, this creates an unspoken belief: if your mother struggled, then choosing a more fulfilling or independent life, especially one that does not fully follow cultural expectations, can feel like disrespect. Aamani reflects on this by saying “if you do everything your mum wants you to do, you’ll end up becoming a trophy kid” This is not because mothers want their daughters to suffer, but because sacrifice becomes normalised.

Struggle is framed as strength, and endurance becomes a measure of goodness. As a result, when women begin to outgrow these patterns emotionally, professionally, or personally they often feel guilt instead of pride, as though ease must be earned through hardship.

“If we work on our shame, we would be much further because it’s our own internalised shame that makes us shame other people, and why we police one another.”

Life Tasks and Learning to Step Back

One of the most important ideas Aamani introduces is the concept of “life tasks,” a concept you grasped from the book The Courage To Be Disliked. At its core, this idea is about responsibility.

Each person, she explains, has their own task in life to manage their own choices, goals, and dreams. Problems arise when these responsibilities become blurred: “You should never encroach on somebody else’s life task, and nobody should encroach on yours. The minute that you do, that’s where interpersonal relationships start”. The idea of life tasks offers a way out of this pattern. It helps women recognise when they are carrying emotional labour that does not belong to them…

“The life task that we always encroach on as Pakistanis is how somebody else perceives me, that’s not your life task.”

“If we understood the separation of tasks, then we wouldn’t have this log - kya kahein gaye – women would be doing whatever they wanted, without thinking I need to control the outcome here, I need to control the outcome there”.

Understanding this separation is not about cutting people off, but about stepping back. It permits women to grow without constantly seeking approval or reassurance.

Aamani’s story reflects a wider experience shared by many Pakistani women in the UK. Her work gives shape to emotions that are usually internalised: guilt for wanting more, fear of being misunderstood, and the quiet desire to live with intention rather than endurance. What makes her voice resonate is its familiarity. She speaks like the older sister many women wish they had, someone who does not dismiss culture but gently questions how it is carried. In a media landscape that often reduces Pakistani women to narrow narratives, Aamani offers complexity and care. Her presence suggests that change does not always arrive through rebellion, but through reflection, and that sometimes, the most powerful advice is simply permission to choose your own life.

For more about our Interview with Aamani, visit our socials...

Instagram: @Parchayi.uk

Tiktok: @Parchayi.uk

To hear more about Aamani and her work...

Instagram: @aamani_ec

Tiktok: @aamani.jaan

https://aamani-jaan.com

Noor Munawar