Growing Up ‘Too Foreign’ at School and ‘Too Western’ at Home

For many second-generation South Asians, identity is not something you discover; it’s something you constantly negotiate.

At school, you’re reminded that you’re different. Your lunch smells unfamiliar. Your name is mispronounced, then shortened without asking. Your parents’ accents become a punchline. You’re asked where you’re “really” from, even though you were born down the road. At home, the message quietly shifts. You’re told you’ve changed. That you’re becoming “too Western.” That your Urdu is slipping, your clothes are questionable, and your opinions are too bold. You’re reminded of traditions you don’t fully know how to carry, and expectations you were never given the language to question.

You become one version of yourself outside: careful, adaptable, alert, and another version at home, respectful, restrained, constantly editing yourself so you don’t cross invisible lines. For many South Asian children of immigrants, belonging feels conditional. You’re acceptable at school as long as you’re not too ethnic. You’re accepted at home as long as you’re not too assimilated. The middle ground is narrow, and it shifts depending on who’s watching. What is often missed in conversations about integration is the emotional labour it requires. Second-generation children are raised to succeed in a society that their parents had to survive. They’re expected to translate cultures, soften differences, and carry the weight of sacrifice often without being given space to be uncertain or imperfect. There’s also grief in this experience. Grief for a version of self that could have existed without explanation. For a childhood where cultural differences didn’t require constant defence or dilution.

And yet, there is resilience, too...

Many second-generation South Asians grow up with a deep sense of empathy, adaptability, and cultural fluency. They learn how to move between worlds, how to listen closely, how to understand contradiction. Over time, some stop trying to pick a side altogether. They begin to realise that being “in between” is not a failure, it’s a form of identity in its own right. The problem was never that they were too foreign or too Western. The problem was being asked to be less of themselves to make others comfortable. For a generation raised between cultures, the journey is often not about choosing where you belong but deciding that you don’t need permission to belong at all.

Noor Munawar